Writing Love

my manager is starting a free yoga class this week. beach front. im not passing this opportunity up. i think this may be where i quit smoking pot again. no ones perfect. and im tired of going back to it. i just want to be healthy.


i want to believe.
that things change.
people change.
life goes on.
but most of the time.
it feels like the world just turns so slow.

not poems. not lyrics. not short stories. i want to WANT to write. so im turning over a new leaf. i am gonna write in here more, because i dont really have any friends i can truly count on to talk to. how pathetic. there is no one in this world i can trust. i dont feel that i am bitter. i have just had my eyes opened to reality. so im just gonna start writing on here as much as i can. maybe things wont build up inside me the way they often do. i dont like exploding. i dont like feeling tense.i miss the intensity which i used to channel into my writing. and i have alot to write about, but blocking out the bad stuff doesnt help me write it out. so i gotta stop that. i have to deal with this stuff. or im gonna be that old lady who married someone just because, and never really got over that first love. if i dont recognize these emotions and thoughts, ill be a half formed person for not dealing with the life i lived. writing was such a joyful carthatic experience for me. when did that die?

its been months. and months.

so much has happened.

its sad to think about my last few entries.

i think ill make them private.

id rather not see them.


today has been uneventful. i trained all wknd for my job but we wont open til at least wensday. i was pretty exhausted and my friends didnt bring me home til 11 so i slept til noon today. i was still tired when i woke up though. ive been super emotional for the last week or so. it hasnt been pretty. buuut on the upside at least i will have a job at some point. the guy i thought would never actually be in to me, is in fact in to me =] unfortunately my sister is a crazy bitch and made me leave so he is no longer my neighbor. oh well. as soon as i have a couple paychecks i am moving back down that way cause that is where my job is. and since my car still isnt fixed i need to be able to walk or have a short bus ride. from my dads i have to leave almost an hour and a half early. ridiculous. right now im just trying to have faith that everythings gonna fall into place. its gonna be ok. i know that. i just wanna be completely independent again. i wanna be able to take care of myself. sometimes i feel like such a fuck up or a loser. *sigh* ima go watch the rest of CSI so my dad can get on the computer.